Monday, October 3, 2011

Reflection

Blogger Has Changed, probably for the better, once I get the hang of it. But it is very strange to see all this new stuff. Page views! Traffic patterns! Links! I'm good with rambling in obscurity, really. Hoping I didn't somehow link myself via Google plus with my Clark Kent persona... you'll let me know, won't you?

After watching my lecture on sugar, I have been finding it relatively easy to eat less of it. No idea whether this will show benefits on the scale, but I'm feeling empowered about it. In particular I am on the warpath about imbibing sugar via liquids, including juice, so we will see how much of a dramatic transformation that effects in self and family.

Enjoyed reading a favorite blog of old-- Gravel and Rust, have you read it? I would link but it's too damn late. Google it, okay? In one post Roxie mentions having to do work on her tendency to experience shame easily-- I find this to be true of myself, particularly when it comes to my work life. I don't know whether it's having grown up with a moderate dose of ADD or what-- my mother wasn't particularly shaming, not sure what it's about. In my case I hardly think about being paid (which is dysfunctional right there, I realize). I worry about whether I know enough or handle things correctly or provide the right kinds of feedback. I get very tense and even unhappy about it. I am hostile towards those I feel are overconfident professionally, which I suspect is partly because I envy them. I have to remind myself that my work life doesn't equal me. I could conceivably fail and go into other work and still have a happy life, it's okay.

I have other areas of shame-- certain aspects of parenting. I think of myself as lazy and sensual-- not that lazy sensuality is in every case a bad thing :), but it's like sugar, a little goes a long way. I hate the trouble I have keeping my goals/tasks from falling out of my brain, but I try not to blame myself for that one-- it's truly the way I'm wired and not a choice.

What I can do something about is indolence. I will procastinate and flubber trying to avoid the expenditure of mental or physical energy, as if it's money, something I won't get back.  But that's not true, the expenditure of energy means you have more, not less.  It is totally possible to overdo it, but that's not really the side I tend to have trouble with.  Basically my natural tendency is to (metaphorically) skip the vegetables and nibble the candy. Probably shame is one way I overcome that inertia but I'm always open to better ones. 

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