Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Core Beliefs

I am riding out a bit of rough weather interpersonally (MIL's pipe burst = three week stay including the sole precious week DH and I have at home together => fill in the blanks). And I find myself battling the feelings of vengefulness and hostility and general ill-will that surround me like an electron cloud whenever my cage gets rattled. You realize for a certain number of us-- not naming names-- having a resident MIL with firm opinions is going to rattle the old cage.

At my core-- I think it's my core, I hope to God it's my core-- I know that people usually behave well from a place of strength, not weakness. When I get angry at some stray remark, it's because I've been hit in a vulnerable place. And if I want to help another person behave more to my liking, it makes sense to help them feel stronger, not weakened. Heard versus attacked.

Whether I'm right about this or not, it makes me feel better and safer not to act like a jerk. I don't like myself when I'm venting like a steam whistle. I think to some degree it may be necessary, or at least forgiveable, but it doesn't feel as good as holding on to whatever patience and tolerance nature bestowed on me.

There is a food/health analogy here that's not too hard to pin down. It may be forgivable, understandable, perfectly normal to snitch candy and bag exercise*. My weight may not suffer too badly**. But in the end it doesn't feel as good or work as well as doing the right things. That's why our friends further down the path keep waving and reaching out their hands to us-- it feels good, come join us! I plan to pick up my feet and walk toward them. Maybe some time this year I'll be further down the path, waving with the rest :)

*Disclaimer: I haven't been bagging exercise. Snitching candy, well, that's different.
** I'm back down a pound, yay. Can I lose 1 pound in two days to make my Hot 100 goal? Weeellll... Let's look at my sidebar and make an educated guess.

Monday, December 28, 2009

State of the Union

Breakfast: protein shake
ZUMBA!
Lunch: turkey and vegetables, 1/4 piece of Naan bread
Snack: 1/2 cup homemade ham and bean soup (finally made some, turned out nummy)
Also: six or seven Marshmints and 2 chocolate covered cherries

So a normal, healthy diet plus five hundred calories of candy. Do I feel well on this? NO. Am I still gaining weight? Probably not, as I am Totally Off this week and getting in plenty of Zumba and walks. But I'm up three pounds which we all know takes me roughly forever to lose. And my self-respect is wobbly because I am not faring all that well in the siege of Me vs Christmas candy. The wise and obvious thing to do is to purge or stash everything. Some things have been purged, some stashed, some are now forming part of my fat stores. I found what my husband hid for me. So that has to be re-hidden :) It's funny how I went back to the way I regularly eat and exercise (habit), except that I still feel entitled to the candy (more habit? Pray not.)

On a more cheerful note I went shopping at the post-Christmas sales and have two more pairs of 12s in my wardrobe, and the tops I bought were mediums. So I can't really have ballooned as much as I have in imagination.

There is a very dear and moving post by Gina on Fit by 41 (see my sidebar if the link is wonky.) I think it's really to the point as we slide into the New Year. Where does the need to change come from? Not just the wish to do so, but that wall you hit where you realize, "Yeah, okay, that's it. I'm not doing it that way anymore." For me it was entirely health stuff. I had my share of embarrassing moments-- I recall being asked to demonstrate an outfit at one of those at-home shopping party hosted by a friend whom I may at some point forgive. It was these little knit tubey things and my body was just not ready to demonstrate knit tubey things. The saleswoman said something like, "Well, that's not how it's supposed to look, on someone ELSE..." Anyway, a stack of those moments didn't do it. I had to get to the point where I didn't feel good physically, where I had (have) real diagnoses looming if I don't do something.

Which is good to remember now, as I take steps into the new year and either hold my ground, make further progress, or get "comfortable" and let the sugar creep in and my weight creep up. Ugh.

So here's my line in the sand.

_________________________________________________________

Off to go hide some chocolate :)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Helpity

On the premises at the moment:

Several boxes of See's candy
Marshmints (aka crack)
Licorice
Cake
Chocolate chip cookies
Candied pecans
Tinned cookies
Cordial cherries
Botan rice candy
Molasses chips
Lingonberry jam
Cranberry jelly
Four unused containers of cream

What's a weight conscious prediabetic to do? I got out to Zumba today (yay!) Ate a health breakfast and lunch and made a big pot of bean and ham soup. But unwholesome amounts of sugar have passed my lips since last Thursday. I usually keep this stuff out of the house because I have difficulty staying out of it. Alas most of it is not mine. I would like to be the kind of person who could be relied on not to get into it, but I do not, based on experience, seem to be that kind of person. The sort-of-silver lining is that my body does not react well to this treatment and is giving me loud signals of protest, helping me remember that it's not a good idea. I did better today than yesterday and I'm stocked up with the tasty healthy stuff, so I just need to enlist my (generally cooperative) family to help me get the rest stowed. The weird part is I feel like I made/bought less than usual this year, but what I did eat I didn't tolerate very well. Ah well. Notes for next year.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Yikes! H100 Update!

Geez, I'm late! Think I can squeeze in the door with nobody noticing?

Neck deep in work the last couple of days. Finally have time to breathe and look about me today. Weight wise, I am hanging at 172, probably because I have not found time to exercise since Zumba Sunday. That leaves me 1 lb above my goal for the New Year. Fingers crossed.

I am OFF until January 4th, when I start my 20 hours a week (more like 30) and all hell breaks loose.

My No. 1 top goal is to enjoy Christmas, which I completely love, particularly the run up to the day. So taking deep breaths and trying to scale back my plans so I can do less and have fun with it. Warm wishes to my friends in Blogland! Signing off until after Christmas.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Surprise Review: Wii Fit Plus!

Yesterday they CANCELLED ZUMBA due to our snow. I guess they didn't have a red-nosed instructor to lead the way. I was observing to DH what a witch I get when I don't get my exercise, and perhaps in self-defense, he produced an early Christmas gift. I was expecting a fitness DVD but it was a BIG box.

My awesome spouse got me a WII FIT. (It's all-capitals-day here at Am I Really That Fat.) So here's my highly preliminary impressions, to be filled in further as my 7 year old allows me a chance to actually get on the thing:

1. Kids love it
2. There's a lot of stuff to do
3. I doubt it's the place for a hard core workout for the WL blogging crowd-- it seems to be cut into little stop and start bits
4. The Japanese are highly concerned with balance
5. Outrunning the little dude is the funnest jogging in place I've ever done
6. The yoga is cool
7. My Mii is chubby and apple shaped. My smallest daughter's Mii is waiflike and my middle daughter's is Just Right
8. It seems to broadcast your BMI, not your actual weight, to the room at large
9. I appreciate this refinement
10. It looks like a fun way to track weight
11. I plan to try some fo the aerobics stuff for my warm-up and cool-down to my weights
12. It tells you calories burned, usually in little 4-to-7 calorie activities

I'll keep you posted as I play with it more. With a foot of snow on the ground, indoor options are welcome.

For today, I got to Zumba (yay!) which felt great. Back to eating rationally. I wanted to keep it light yesterday but I just didn't. Scale was up this morning accordingly. I had 2 eggs and toast and a little fresh cranberry relish for breakfast, a wrap with salad leaves, turkey, pepperjack, and mustard and some grapes for lunch. Everything tastes very good and keeps me running like a top. So why do I need eggnog and Dulce de Leche and all that other crap? Because it's there, I guess, like Everest. I performed a purge-- all tempting junk has been pitched or removed to the outside frig, a long cold walk through the garage. The plan is to eat very well between now and the 24th, pick back up again on the 27th. It would be really great to get in 3 hours of exercise a week, and to use my holiday cheat days to eat mindfully like the well-behaved Better-Homes-and-Gardens version of myself, rather than the bilious overfull annoyed-at-myself version.

Have to pick up the family from "Avatar" and take the kids to finish up their shopping. Ciao!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Oh, All Right

Clearly posting extraneous fluff is not fooling anyone.

The good news is I was still 170 this morning. Woot, yay me, etc. The bad news is--

I didn't make Zumba-- my daughter pleaded to have a friend over, so we did that instead.

I had, oh let's not pretend otherwise, five cookies for my afternoon snack. Plus popcorn. Any guesses on whether I make 170 tomorrow? Anybody? And tomorrow is "officially" cheat day.

We are supposed to get 4-6 inches of snow tomorrow, but I think I can get to Zumba through 4-6 inches of snow, don't you? And I should probably formulate a plan for food tomorrow, seeing I had half a cheat day today.

So there I stand, everybody! How are you all making it in this final run-up to Xmas?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Exactly

I stumbled on this while ordered Christmas gifts and posting to my other, neglected, home-and-family blog.

Secrets of Adulthood

Except the right houseplants are NOT too much trouble. Happiness is a wreath topiary you trained yourself. Easy as pie, and you feel so slick.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Mostly Good News, I Think

I always like to get the bad news out of the way first. One reason I am back down to 170 today is that I had a Digestive Episode yesterday after I had one too many of my daughter's fabulous cookies at lunch. I lack a gallbladder and am prone to biliary stones and I'm not liking how things are trending right now. But, anyway, I'm better today after being wary of food for the rest of the day and having nothing beyond an irreproachable dinner of roast chicken, broccoli and salad. I also went to ZUMBA! which was GREAT. I think the 5K had an interval training effect because I was full of steam. The other good news is that my FBS was 95 yesterday (normal is anything under 100. I'm trying to get out of the prediabetic range which is 100-125.) I'll take that.

I took my measurements this morning, to wit:

chest 40
waist 30
hip 41.5
thigh 25
arm 12

This compares to back in May:

Bust 42
Waist 33
Hip 45
Thigh, a mighty 28
Arm 13

I seem to be somewhat less pear-shaped. Man, I wish I'd known what to do for that when I was back in my 20s. Waist to hip ratio is .72 and BMI is 25.8.

It's weird because I've reached my first goal-- which always seemed so attainable, and yet so far away. As in trying for 18 years without much success. My plan at the moment is to hold the line until January 1, which will put me 1 lb under my hot 100 pledge. Then I will reassess in the new year, but I think it would be nice, assuming my body will cooperate, to slowly release another 10-15 pounds and see what that does for my blood sugar.

A moment here to take notice of The Road Curves Ahead and 266 their fantastic progress this year. Cheers, ladies!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

55%

The inimitable Jack S***T had a wonderfully inspiring post on his blog about how it really doesn't work to give 55%. Making it clear why he's at goal and I'm not.

But.

[Insert disclaimers here.]

For various reasons, adequate and not, I'm okay with that. I don't give 100% to my body every day. Right now, most of that energy is spoken for. What I can do is this--

Eat a few of my own cookies (alas, I know what I'm doing in the cookie department)-- slowly and with pleasure rather than wolfing them down guiltily.

Eat good meals and forgo snacks if I have succumbed to the above.

Exercise every other day if I'm not managing every day.

Keep the house stocked with good stuff (that dreaded planning thing).

Cover the sweet stuff up or put it away. The cookie boxes will be launched soon. Meanwhile I covered them all with towels. It helps!

It's 55%. But that's what I got right now.

How about you?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Jingle Bells!

I need bold letters or italics to declare the following:

The family and I (at least the over-7 part of it) completed Our First 5K! Woot!

It was the Jingle Bell Walk/Run for the Juvenile Arthritis Foundation. A friend was the honoree so we suited up this morning. Reading blogs gave me some glimmering of insight into the proceedings, so I knew about numbers and swag bags and the like. There was also some rather grand food-- Bekind bars, lovely fruit, and Starbucks. The winner of our group got to pick our lunch venue. That was 18 year old son-- 37 minutes, even though his sweatpants were falling down-- he changes sizes, depending on what fitness regime he's pursuing at the moment. Number 1 daughter came in at 41 minutes along with our 11 year old friend. DH was 42 minutes, and I was 44, which was actually totally thrilling to me as I naively set my goal at sub-45, not realizing how severely that was going to kick my butt. That means I finished ahead of some but not of all of the babies in strollers :)

It seems to be inevitable that you compare yourself not just to the guy that's lapping you, but the people that are much older or much larger or accompanied by Great Danes or 9 years old on a scooter or pushing twins (ok, I got ahead of her at least). The correct attitude is feeling completely utterly thrilled at undertaking your first 5K in your forties, and jogging some of it, and finishing in the general ballpark of where you were hoping you'd finish. Usually I am very conscious of my feet when jogging-- terrified of an injury, as some of my fellow bloggers have had to fight through. I got so focused on my lungs that I completely forgot about my feet.

So that's my post race report. My other report is that I manage to coaxe off that two-ish pounds, and was 170-ish this morning for a BMI of 25.8, and there I wish to stay, thank you very much. Today is Cheat Day and I have several cookies, a Mexican lunch, and most of a donut under my belt so far-- I am sadly cognizant of how many calories 3 miles burns so the plan is to ease back for the rest of the day. I really really really want to be in the running for that jar of hot peppers.

Also, I would like to report that my thighs/butt are sore from lunges. I have been neglecting my weights which became very obvious when I picked them up again Thursday. Ouch, but in a good way.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Bullet List

* I am too damn busy this time of year.

* I've done my C25K but nothing else for exercise.

* This is Not Acceptible.

* I am in Unpleasant Medical Alert mode due to back pain.

* I don't like this.

* I will go in to the doctor if not better in a week.

* I got two lovely awards, one from Amazon Runner and the Significant Milestone from 266 for making my 10%.

* I adore getting awards.

* I put on 2 pounds after our weekend trip to the Really Big Mall (can you say "schlock entertainment?") I wasn't going to have a second cheat day but DH put me in an armbar and made me eat cheesecake, which is the equivalent of reverse liposuction.

* It is still there, despite decent eating behavior since then, probably because my ass has been glued to the driver's seat for the last 96 hours.

* I hope 266 doesn't make me give my award back.

* It's not really true about the armbar.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

woot!

Quick Blackberry posting to announce that C25K has magical powers, because I dropped 2 pounds suddenly. If I hold the line for the next 25 days, I am good for my H100 goal. And I lost my 10 percent since starting this blog. Woot!

Bearing in mind I may just be losing muscle, but I prefer the optimist's view.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Better

I managed to clear half an hour today for another session of C25K. My husband came with me. It was after dark but there were plenty of Christmas lights to illuminate the potholes :) I felt so good afterwards, after having felt dog-tired for days. There was some shuffling of children which allowed us to go out for a very short date to the local pub sort of place. We got a bite and DH indulged in 2 very potent beers, after which he relaxed like a puppet with his strings cut. Could've talked him into anything :) I drank tea which came with a doily and we made Christmas lists for the kids on my Blackberry. (I never did get the hang of the bar thing.) We also played pool, at which DH is quiet but deadly. I first swooned for him when he casually did that behind the back thingie in college. He has a break shot that starts out low-key but knocks the balls so hard the windows rattle. And he always, always has a pen. *Swoon*

We've talked about my work situation and unless they offer me rubies (which I strongly doubt is forthcoming), I am going to do my best to stay prn and keep my hours lighter. That will allow me time to exercise so that I don't get all pissed off and shrill. As much. I can't begin to tell you how much your support here means. I have such an awesome peer group on the blogosphere--well, okay, many of you are more in the 'sensei' versus 'peer' category-- helping me keep my goals front and center where I can't lose track of them.

Sounds like it's getting crazy out there. Here's hoping for a caaaaaalm and restorative weekend for all of us.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Pretty much says it all.

I have a lovely award from the fabulous Amazon Runner to pass along. But that requires thought and links so I'm just going to savor it a bit and share it this weekend.

Out there in blogland is some wisdom that hit me right between the eyes tonight. Lynn from Escape From Obesity talks in very lucid terms about how your choices today shape results tomorrow. Which should be obvious but somehow get massively overlooked, by me at least. Leah points out that inspiration comes from work rather than preceding work, and Cammy has some great hacks for building better habits.

I need all of this because I am struggling this week, a rat getting my poor tail pinched. My worst tail pincher is lack of time. It really makes me so angry at the world. It also makes me think hard about how I spend my money, and whether what I'm spending it on is reeeeaaaaly worth my precious hours, because I have not been able to exercise much at all since I started working again, and I am just hopping mad about it. My mother in law is sick and needs our care for a few days, my kids and husband need to get to and from work, activities, and school, and I need to meet my new employer's expectations. Leaving me pretty much close to zero after subtracting all the rest. And I can't even say that I'm going to exercise tonight, because I have a more highly valued goal: getting in a few licks on my book. The only good news is that I have been eating pretty well and my weight is stable. Except that a biscuit did make its white-floury way down my gullet tonight.

Oh, and I'm worried I'm late on my Hot 100 Update . One pound to go! Thirty days! Or roughly that! Requiring something like 120 calorie a day deficit, which during December, is not a given! More AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh! No, no. It's okay. Really.

Breathe.